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Funny Stuff Jack Fowler's Stuff
------------------------------------- A little old lady was standing by her departed husband's casket. The undertaker asked, "How old was he?" She replied, "95, and I am only four months younger... hardly worth going home for, is it?" ----------------------------- I was questioning my 103 year old aunt and asked her what she liked about being her age She replied, "No Peer Pressure" ---------------------------------------------------------- I WAS AT A FUNERAL HOME DOING RESEARCH AND ASK THE UNDER TAKER HOW BUSINESS WAS. HE REPLIED, "IT'S DEAD, BUT IT'S A LIVING."
Bill Gates' 10 Rules Rule
1: Life is not fair — get used to it. Rule
2: The world won’t care about your self-esteem. The world will expect
you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself. Rule
3: You will NOT make $40,000 a year right out of high school. You won’t
be a vice-president with a car phone, until you earn both. Rule
4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. He
doesn’t have tenure. Rule
5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a
different word for burger-flipping... they called it opportunity. Rule
6: If you mess up, it’s not your parents’ fault, so don’t whine
about your mistakes, learn from them. Rule
7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They
got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you
talk about how cool you are. So before you save the rain forest from the
parasites of your parents’ generation, try delousing the closet in your own
room. Rule
8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers but life has
not. In some schools they have abolished failing grades and they’ll give you
as many times as you want to get the right answer. This doesn’t bear the
slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life. Rule
9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don’t get summers off and very few
employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time. Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
Stuff From Steven Wright.. my favorite comedian "Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect." "I like to reminisce with people I don't know." "I was going to commit suicide the other day, but I must not have been serious because I brought a beach towel." "I filled out an application that said, 'In Case Of Emergency Notify'. I wrote 'Doctor'... What's my mother going to do?" "I had just received my degree in
Calcium Anthropology... "When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'" "Right now I'm having amnesia and deja
vu at the same time. "When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction." "In my house there's this light switch
that doesn't do anything. "If the pen is mightier than the sword, in a duel I'll let you have the pen!" "It doesn't matter what temperature the room is; it's always room temperature." "I went to the bank and asked to
borrow a cup of money. "In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number. "The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and doesn't stop until you get to work." "It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused." "How young can you die of old age?" "I went to a restaurant that serves 'Breakfast at any time'.So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance." "You can't have everything. Where would you put it?" "I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00, children $2.50. So I said, 'Give me two boys and a girl'." "I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'Help Wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'Self Service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit." "I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically." "On the other hand... You have different fingers." "Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it." "Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time." "I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking', but I don't have that much time." "I was in the grocery store. I saw a
sign that said 'Pet supplies'. So I did. "I went into a clothes store the other day and a salesman walked up to me and said, 'Can I help you?' And I said, 'Yeah, do you got anything I like?' He said, 'What do you mean do we have anything you like?' I said, 'You started this'." "If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?""Why is the alphabet in that order? Is
it because of that song? "I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums." "What's another word for Thesaurus?" "After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?" "If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?""One time I went to a drive-in in a taxi cab. The movie cost me $95." "I've never seen electricity, so I
don't pay for it. I write right on the bill, "Why is it, 'A penny for your
thoughts,' but, 'Did you sleep well?' I said, 'No, I made a few mistakes.'" "I had a friend who was a clown. "One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house." "While I was gone, somebody rearranged all the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: 'Do I know you?'" "Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, 'Go ahead, touch it... It feels real'." "I installed a skylight in my
apartment... "My friend has a baby. I'm recording
all the noises he makes so later "There's a pizza place near where I
live that sells only slices. "I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping." "Next week I'm moving to Mars, so if you have any boxes ...""A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here'." "Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture." "Sorry, my mind was wandering. One time my mind went all the way to Venus on mail order and I couldn't pay for it." |
Jack
Fowler's Macabre Stuff